Can the strive for equality become a strive for sameness that kills our sexual desire?
We have come far when it comes to equality in many parts of the world, but we do still have a long way to go. I have also come to realize that the strive for equality sometimes ends up being a strive for sameness, which could be counter productive to creating equality. We are not the same and that is fucking amazing. A when I say we are not the same, I mean both that we as men and women are different and that we as individuals are different from each other no matter gender.
When we believe that equality is about everything being exactly the same we sometimes end up working against the very thing we thought we worked towards. I used to believe that the only equal way to split the parental leave was 50/50 - I don't believe that to be true anymore. For some it might be the way, for others not, because as I see it within equality the reality will differ for different persons. We can choose (at least in the privileged western world) what we believe equality is and what an equal split of anything is for us. What scares me is when we make choices based on what is considered equal "on paper", which might not necessarily be truly equal and definitely not what makes us happy. If we make great choices for equality and feel miserable doing it - then whats the point?
When I hear women choosing not to breast feed only because the man cant breast feed, as breast feeding would then create unequal bonding with the child, and thus breast feeding is not good for equality, I cant help but feel that it has nothing to do with equality, but that it is just a strive for sameness. As if sameness would be good. To clarify, I'm not saying that choosing not to breast feed is not equality, it absolutely can be, what I am saying is choosing not to breast feed with the only reason being that the man can't breast feed is not equality. Read that last sentence once more.
So what's the difference between sameness and equality? I guess it depends on who you ask. For me equality is having the same opportunity to education, wealth, social structures, jobs, and chips. Sameness is making sure every aspect of our life is neutralized, meaning we study the same, take the same jobs, have the same hobbies, and eat the same things. In society today we are sometimes so focused on sharing everything 50/50 in our households in the strive for "equality", I cant help but wonder if this strive is sometimes making it worse?
So what does this all have to do with our sexual desire? Well, one important piece to sexual desire is separateness. Creating distance. Being apart. Feeling tension. When we strive for sameness what happens is that the distance shrinks as we become more and more the same. The separateness, the tension, the desire - it all fades. We are not the same and that is a gift. A gift that also has kept us alive and developed us for thousands of years. The more we try to become the same, in the name equality, the more our sexual desire fades and then one day it will be gone. I see and hear it more or less everyday, from friends, clients and people around me and I've been there too. Some might say that having less or even no sexual desire is not a problem, but I do believe that it is, because I believe that we are sexual beings who thrive when we are connected to our sexual energy and desire.
So let's say you are in a situation where you realize that you are striving towards sameness and have lost your sexual desire - how do you come back? Is it even possible? First of all congratulations to realizing it as I know it can be a hard truth and secondly yes, of course it is possible to find your way back to your sexual desire. An important note is that the strive for sameness might not be the only thing keeping you sexual desire from thriving, but this is a great place to start. One thing I noticed can support you to connect to your sexual desire is to come back to yourself and to your body. Ask yourself what it is that you want? And how does that feel in your body? Checkin with yourself on a daily basis and if it feels doable invite your partner to checking in as well and maybe share what comes up. Ask yourself and each other if you are doing what you are doing from a place of love and for equality or for sameness - and dare to be honest to create the change.